Important lessons

Quite a few things have happened these past four days, and I am still trying to sort out my thoughts. Here is what I have been trying to internalize so far.

1. I don't have to apologize for being myself. I don't have to explain why I chose to wear one shirt and not another.
2. I have the right to ask for what I want. Whether or not it will be granted is not under my control, so I don't need to worry about that. I can go ahead and make my needs known, regardless of the outcome.
3. I am allowed to choose what I want to do, without fear of being judged by others. I'm not talking about doing whatever I want without regard to consequences and propriety. I'm referring to simple things like how I want to spend my time, whom I want to be friends with, what to wear, what to eat, etc. Even if other people will disapprove, it really shouldn't matter what they think.

If you take these beliefs for granted, please try to understand that they're not obvious for people who have been emotionally abused for a significant portion of their life.

Understanding what's behind my jealousy

I am jealous of people who can do what they want to do. I'm not talking about wanting to indulge in reckless abandon. I'm talking about simple things, such as styling one's appearance the way one wishes, or engaging in an activity because that is what interests you. In my case, I would want to have private classical voice lessons to improve my singing, go to glass bead making classes, and attend latex clothing crafting workshops. Somehow, most likely due to all the restrictions I had from my parents, I feel as though I'm not allowed to do such things. I'm not allowed to go out and meet people (and I have little interest to), I'm not allowed to have fun because that's a waste of time that could be spent studying or working.

Sure, doing all those things require money, and I am currently lacking in money. But even when my parents were willing to provide for me while I was younger, they restricted what I was allowed to do. I suppose they provided necessities. Dyeing my hair pink was not a necessity. Wearing a halter top was forbidden because it was too revealing and my mom would say "it will show your fat." (She believes fat girls should keep their fat covered. However, I wasn't even fat. Yeah, I may have had a bulge or fold here or there, but at the time when I was in high school, I was 5'4" and 126 lbs. That definitely is not fat. Currently I'm 5'5" and 125 lbs, so I'm happy with my weight. It is a healthy weight for my height, and that's all I care.)

I Googled "overcoming jealousy" and read several sites on it. One that stood out to me was what Steve Pavlina wrote, which is jealousy comes from a scarcity mindset. That made me realize that I often thought of things that way. It was an "either or" scenario. If she could have it, that meant I couldn't have it too. Jacob and Esau come to mind; there was only one blessing. If my boyfriend thought another woman was attractive, then I'd interpret it to mean that he no longer thought I was attractive, when he really could be thinking that we're both attractive. (It is possible that he finds her more attractive than me, which would be a problem.)

My parents often compared me with other kids, whether it was my sister, our cousins, classmates and neighbors. I was constantly ranked, and told that others were better than me, which was true, but also hurtful. Meanwhile, the things that I had a natural talent for were not valued by my parents. I'm not fueled by competition. If you tell me someone else is better than me, it's not going to motivate me to prove otherwise. Instead, I'll just feel sad and quit. I'm not asking for false praise, but I'm the kind of person that needs encouragement, whether it's something as simple as being told that I can keep putting in more effort (but not in the way that my parents do, which is "that other kid put in more effort than you, that's why she's so good at it, but you've been lazy.") I'm talking about something as simple as "if you put in more effort, you will improve." I don't need to hear about or compare myself to anyone else. It's about self improvement, becoming a better person than I was the day before.

I know that it will still take a lot of work before I can feel as though I am deserving to get what I want, before I can become more secure, before I will become less jealous.

I am on WordPress!

A Quiet Place to Rest

I am starting here again, for reals. While all the recent traffic on Xanga has been quite exciting, it is also a bit overwhelming, especially if I get discouraging comments. I don't need someone to tell me why it won't work because I already tell myself that all the time.

I hope I don't get into the trap of doing nothing, except spending all day online, these next two weeks. I'll need to force myself to go outside and explore my surroundings, and try to apply for jobs. I'm just feeling so overwhelmed I don't know where to begin, especially since I still have my thesis lingering back there.

These are some things I have been and will need to continue repeating to myself:

• It's my life!
• No Risk = No Reward

I discovered another voice mail on my phone this morning. Once again it was my mom. She was asking me to finish up my thesis because that would be the way to save money. This year I can do what I want. Then next year she will go with me to Ohio and stay with me for all four years. I think she wants to get away from my dad.

It makes me sad that I can't communicate with her. I'm afraid of calling because if my dad is there, he might listen in. My mom doesn't have her own email address. Even writing a letter won't work because my dad opens other people's mail without their permission. I was afraid that she would still be siding with my dad, but it seems like she might not be, or at least she is feeling conflicted.

Still, I think for the time being, it's better for me to not get in touch with my parents unless I have good news, unless I can show them that I have accomplished something on my own.