Understanding what's behind my jealousy

I am jealous of people who can do what they want to do. I'm not talking about wanting to indulge in reckless abandon. I'm talking about simple things, such as styling one's appearance the way one wishes, or engaging in an activity because that is what interests you. In my case, I would want to have private classical voice lessons to improve my singing, go to glass bead making classes, and attend latex clothing crafting workshops. Somehow, most likely due to all the restrictions I had from my parents, I feel as though I'm not allowed to do such things. I'm not allowed to go out and meet people (and I have little interest to), I'm not allowed to have fun because that's a waste of time that could be spent studying or working.

Sure, doing all those things require money, and I am currently lacking in money. But even when my parents were willing to provide for me while I was younger, they restricted what I was allowed to do. I suppose they provided necessities. Dyeing my hair pink was not a necessity. Wearing a halter top was forbidden because it was too revealing and my mom would say "it will show your fat." (She believes fat girls should keep their fat covered. However, I wasn't even fat. Yeah, I may have had a bulge or fold here or there, but at the time when I was in high school, I was 5'4" and 126 lbs. That definitely is not fat. Currently I'm 5'5" and 125 lbs, so I'm happy with my weight. It is a healthy weight for my height, and that's all I care.)

I Googled "overcoming jealousy" and read several sites on it. One that stood out to me was what Steve Pavlina wrote, which is jealousy comes from a scarcity mindset. That made me realize that I often thought of things that way. It was an "either or" scenario. If she could have it, that meant I couldn't have it too. Jacob and Esau come to mind; there was only one blessing. If my boyfriend thought another woman was attractive, then I'd interpret it to mean that he no longer thought I was attractive, when he really could be thinking that we're both attractive. (It is possible that he finds her more attractive than me, which would be a problem.)

My parents often compared me with other kids, whether it was my sister, our cousins, classmates and neighbors. I was constantly ranked, and told that others were better than me, which was true, but also hurtful. Meanwhile, the things that I had a natural talent for were not valued by my parents. I'm not fueled by competition. If you tell me someone else is better than me, it's not going to motivate me to prove otherwise. Instead, I'll just feel sad and quit. I'm not asking for false praise, but I'm the kind of person that needs encouragement, whether it's something as simple as being told that I can keep putting in more effort (but not in the way that my parents do, which is "that other kid put in more effort than you, that's why she's so good at it, but you've been lazy.") I'm talking about something as simple as "if you put in more effort, you will improve." I don't need to hear about or compare myself to anyone else. It's about self improvement, becoming a better person than I was the day before.

I know that it will still take a lot of work before I can feel as though I am deserving to get what I want, before I can become more secure, before I will become less jealous.

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